


Loneliness

by Aeryn-Inara (Strixgirl)



Series: Like I'm Not Even Here [2]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Short One Shot, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 06:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11754384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strixgirl/pseuds/Aeryn-Inara
Summary: AU: Edward fell apart after he broke up with Oswald. He ends up in Arkham and after his released goes to see the only person who can make him feel accepted, and may be the only one able to put him back together.





	Loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Guys,
> 
> Again fair warning this is a total feels and angst fest. Ed is broken and Oswald is cruel and unforgiving. There is no happy ending. 
> 
> This idea came from a suggestion by Sidney batres (thank you!), on the related story Dagger In My Heart, who asked for a follow up. i was so excited by the idea I couldn't stop myself from starting it straight away. Both can be read as a stand alone. 
> 
> I have written Ed as having bipolar/drug induced psychosis and borderline personality disorder, given his trauma background. I have based the descriptions of his behaviour and his mind set around my own personal experience with having bipolar and borderline personality disorder. This is just my experiences of the illnesses and I'm not trying to invalidate anyone who may have had different experiences or further stigmatized and stereotype these illnesses. Mental illness doesn't equate to broken and recovery is a continuous journey which is different for everyone. 
> 
> Comments and kudos greatly appreciated :)

I can fill a room, or just one heart. Others can have me but I can’t be shared. What am I? This was the riddle that truly represented his life. Loneliness. His most familiar state of being. However this time it was worse, so much worse. He had tasted acceptance and companionship and the void that was left felt like a knife in his heart. 

Ed had a difficult childhood. He was abused by his parents and isolated by his peers and this didn’t change when he became an adult. While he was able to escape his parents he was unable to shake that part of himself that seemed to repel people. 

Ed was familiar with loneliness. He had spent the majority of his life alone in some manner. However his recent loneliness felt different. This loneliness infect his very being and only grew the more he was surrounded by others.

Ed loved Isabella, well he thought he had. She was everything he could want, beautiful, smart and devoted to him with a similar dispositions and shared love of trivia and word play. When ever he was near her he was blinded by the goodness shining from within her and he felt honored to be able to even touch her. Yet when with her he felt totally alone. More alone than he had ever felt even at his lowest. 

His taste of acceptance and companionship had spoiled him. It had filled the void that was his soul, however briefly, and when it disappeared it left an emptiness and gnawing hunger. 

When he had first met Oswald he was a mess, in and out of mental health wards and abusing any substance he could get his hand on. Oswald pulled him from that hell and gave him purpose. For the first time he had someone. Oswald gave him endless support and praise. He never judged and was so steadfast in his belief in Ed’s potential that even Ed started to believe it was true. Oswald, while not inspiring the level of worship he felt for Isabella, had made him feel complete, accepted and whole. 

Ed was completely happy in his relationship with Oswald until walking into a liquor shop to pick up a bottle of wine for their dinner. When Isabella had turned to him and asked him a riddle he fell completely in love with her. Their meeting felt momentous, as if he had been waiting his whole life for her. She was everything he had ever imagined he wanted. It hurt to end his relationship with Oswald but meeting Isabella had felt like fate and he could not refuse the pull. He didn’t notice the emptiness had returned until after the initial shine and gloss of the relationship had worn off. Something was missing and no matter what he did he could not recover those feelings of acceptance and companionship and the emptiness only continued to grow. 

He tried, truly tried to fix the deficient but his relationship with Isabella began to slowly fall apart. He dedicated himself to making her happy, despite his inability to feel anything, tried to build friendships in the hope of relieving his isolation but it only served to drive the point in further. Oswald was the only one who understood him. The only one to truly see him. 

Ed returned to the drug use to fill the void. It only increased when the drugs began to bring on hallucinations of Oswald. He thought maybe the hallucination could substitute for the real thing but his tolerance built up quick and was soon required to take more and more. It eventually lead to an overdose and another stay at Arkham.

Isabella had at first been willing to stay, to work with him but as with everyone but Oswald she soon became too weary of his behaviour. She could accept the substance abuse and mental health issues, she knew all about them going into the relationship with him, but she had never had to deal with him during an episode. He would sometime not sleep for days, fueled by the pills or his mania, and behave in a bizarre fashion, saying and doing strange things. Other times she could not get him out of bed, he would sleep all day and refuse to eat or shower. It was even more difficult because it was unpredictable, she never knew which Ed she would get on any given day. 

Ed couldn’t hate her for leaving him. He wasn’t the man she fell in love with. He was broken and out of control. Every day with him was an effort. He was surprised she stayed as long as she did. Only Oswald had ever considered him more than the burden he really was. 

Edward had just been released from his recent stay at Arkham and was standing on the curb in the middle of the Diamond District looking up at a neon sign reading ‘The Iceberg Lounge’. Ed smiled. While he was living in a state of confusion, just trying to be enough for those around him, and ending up stuck in Arkham for his efforts Oswald had achieved his dream of opening a nightclub. 

Oswald appeared to have channeled all his pain, after their break up, into the project and not surprisingly it took flight. The Iceberg Lounge was the new jewel of Gotham and everyone, from the underworld to high society, was fighting to be allowed entry. Ed suspected if Oswald wasn’t so focused on caring for him and trying to make him happy The Iceberg Lounge would have been up and running years ago. Oswald was always putting him first when they were together, even at cost of his own dreams. 

Ed had come to the realisation in Arkham that he had let past ideas and dreams blind him to what he had that was real. His relationship with Isabella was not real love, it was a wish for something he didn’t even realise he no longer wanted. Even if losing Oswald hadn’t caused him to spiral back into his addiction and mental health problems the relationship would never had lasted. She wasn’t Oswald. Oswald was the love of his life. 

Ed approached the bouncer and attempted to make his way into the club, Oswald apparently had rarely left since it opened and Ed had already check his house. He was refused entry however managed to convince the bouncer to go get Oswald.

Oswald came out shortly after, looking ever the dapper gentleman in a black suit with a matching purple tie and vest. “Hello Edward, how can I help you?” Oswald’s tone was polite but cold. Ed couldn’t blame him after how he had treated him. “I came to see you Oswald. I thought maybe we could catch up.” Oswald struggled to hide his sneer “What would Isabelle think of you spending time with your ex-boyfriend?” Ed couldn’t stop the instinctual tic to correct Oswald “Isabella.” Oswald rolled his eyes “So what would Isabella think?” Ed smiled at Oswald “We’re not together anymore actually” Ed observed Oswald hand clench around his cane “So what? You're here because she’s through with you? Not the deep abiding love you thought it was? Tell me she ran off with someone else. It would only be fair, just even, after what you did to me” Ed brow scrunched in confusion. Oswald had a tongue like a knife, able to wound with a single word, but he had never directed it at him before. “No actually. I started using again and ended up in Arkham. She tried but you know what I can get like” Oswald did sneer at him now “So your life’s crashing around again and you need me to pick up the pieces and put you back together. Not going to happen Ed. You stood there and watched me fall apart. You didn’t care. You didn’t even think twice about breaking my heart to run off with her. If it didn’t work out, it’s nothing more than what you deserve for throwing away something real for a fantasy.” 

The hope that Ed had been nursing in his breast, what had helped him survive Arkham and kick the drugs, shattered. Oswald didn’t forgive him “why should he?”. Oswald thought him nothing. A pathetic creature trying to beg a favour he is unworthy of and he was right. Ed’s whole demeanor shifted as he curled in on himself, as if he could protect himself from Oswald’s words the same way he could a physical assault . Ed managed to mumble “I guess I should be leaving then” his voice barely above a whisper. Oswald glared back at him “Yes you should” Oswald then turned abruptly and went back into to the club, not even glancing back at his broken ex-lover. 

Ed began to walk away, though shuffle may be a more accurate description, unsure where he was heading or what to do. He felt numb. Nothing inside him but an empty void. He was alone. No one cared for him and he was fated for an existence with nothing but regret and loneliness to keep him company. So lost in his pain he didn’t even notice that he had started to head towards his dealer's house.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me at: aeryn-inara.tumblr.com  
> Feel free to come and speak with me :)


End file.
